Anxiety

anx·i·e·ty  

/aNGˈzī-itē/

Noun A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

Synonyms worry - concern - care - uneasiness - trouble - disquiet I seriously was misinformed about this word.  This word that I think defines my life.  For some reason I adequate anxiety with Fear.  Being scared of things.  Until last night when I saw a thing on Pinterest with the actual definition of this word.  This word, that defines my life, did I realize just how wrong I was about this word.  I worry about EVERYTHING.  The dumbest things too.  Do I yell to much? Am I not firm enough? Is this where I should be in my life? I worry if other people are happy or if I say something will they be mad.  Why can't I take control of my weight? Why can't I make friends?  I at least 90% of the time am worrying about one useless thing (I probably can't control anyway) or another.  It's taking over my life, This word that I really had no idea what it meant.  No idea the role it was playing in my life.  I mean I know people that struggle with anxiety and I never would have thought to put myself in that box, until I actually read the definition.  This word that I think will forever change my life. I've often wondered about depression and yet, it just doesn't fit.  I think overall I'm a very happy person, I'm blessed with great family and friends and we don't lack for much really.  But yet, there is this ongoing sense of worry, Worrying about EVERYTHING.  Will we find a house? If we do what will we do with the house we have?  I worry about having to pack all our stuff and move it.  I worry about having to re-register lily in a new school.  I worry about the weird ants that have made a home in my house, or the fact that the children cry all the time.  I worry that I'm not a good wife, a good mother, a good enough friend.  And all of these things are not productive.  They don't help anything, especially my mind set.  I start off on these chains of things to worry about with one thing right after the next. I always thought that I didn't want to talk about this.  This awful feeling of dread.  That I always feel even when things are going well.  But maybe I should?  Maybe it's not as weird as I thought?  Maybe the way to fix it is to acknowledge that I may have a problem here and that my dependence on making people happy is all a way to appease my anxiety?  Who knows? But I plan to find out.  I plan to make some steps in the right direction with this and see what comes of it.  Learn to breath, try to break this terrible cycle of worry.  Talk to my doctor.  You can bet your butt, now that I think I know what's going on, I intend to make it better.

Let's Be Serious.

Claire had a second flu shot appointment on Monday at 4:00.  Not the most convenient thing in the world but I know how important it is for her to have the flu shot so I sucked it up.  I left work at 3:30 and somehow picked up the girls and got to the clinic with like 2 minutes to spare.  I still had to sit for a good 5-10 minutes and wait. Wait for them to tell me that she couldn't have it.  They miss-scheduled the appointment and she couldn't have it until Thursday since that would be 1 month.  Seriously?  3 days early and they won't just do it?  Is it really going to make that much of a difference?  Ok so we get to reschedule.  We get up to the front and Lily decides not to listen to me when I asked her to do something.  So I simply told her that we would not be getting any of our Halloween treats when we get home if she continues to act that way.  To which she responded by throwing herself on the floor screaming.  AWESOME.  I finally get her to get up and again reinforced the, we will not be getting any treats tonight.  And what does the appointment scheduler do?  Offers her a sucker if she will stop crying and listen to mommy.  Thanks bitch.  OF COURSE she stopped crying, OF COURSE she says she will be a good girl and listen to mommy now.  You gave her what she was crying for.  Little do you know lady that the second we got out of your office I made her put that sucker right in my purse and told her she could have it when she could learn to act like the good girl I know she is.  I wish I had been able to keep my temper so I could have politely told you where you could stick that sucker while making a point to my 3 year old and to you that it's not ok to undermine a parent when they are trying to teach a valuable lesson to a kid whose freaking out over candy.

So what did Lily learn?  If mommy says no treats all I have to do is freak out and scream and annoy the receptionist enough and she'll give me candy.  I win, I act the way I want and get what I want.

Nice message to send my kid lady.  Nice message.

On a related note, I'm kinda getting tired of the fact that everywhere I take Lily people try to give her stickers or suckers or whatever.  I mean I really do get it and if she's being a good girl then I'm totally fine with her having a little treat.  But it's gotten to the point where now when we go to the store, she asks where her sticker or her treat is if she isn't handed one at the checkout.  So what do I do?  I've told her that it's not something we can expect and have every time...but she's three and I don't think the message is getting across.  Do I politely decline their offer of a treat for her, even if she IS being good?  I'm just not sure.  Also, I'm curious.  Am I the only one who is having a hard time with this?

Holy Guacamole

I have no clue what's been going on in the Philippi house lately.  My children are like pod people.  I'm not sure I like it much.

Claire is becoming so independent and Mobile and curious.  She is awesome by day and a holy terror come night.  She used to sleep so well and go to bed and sleep all night, sure she got up early but at least it was all night.  NOW she wakes up every couple hours and cries almost in her sleep.  I'm not sure what's going on with it.  I mean is she teething?  Is she too hot?  Too cold?  I have no clue but I do know one thing for sure.  I AM TIRED.

Then on the other hand, there is Lily.  Once a sweet and charming 3 year old has completely turned into Satan's spawn.  SHE sleeps great all night, but come daytime she is whiny and throwing tantrums and bossy and sassy.  Oh sure I know what you are thinking....NORMAL right?  Ugh. we are just so not used to her acting that way.  Lily can you put on your shoes <Insert whiny screaming tantrum here>

Long story short....they are tag teaming us.  Claire takes the night shift and Lily takes the day shift.  They are winning too.  I need a vacation.

Who Knew

Who knew that it would be so hard to not compare my girls?  I know I sure didn't.  But from before Claire was even born I found myself doing it.  It all started with..."Wow, it's crazy how similar my pregnancies went" and went to "Holy moly I can't believe how different this labor was than my last one".  And now everyday I find myself thinking about how different they are.  I guess I don't understand how two people that came from the same parents can be SO different.  I mean, I always knew that we had it easy with Lily but I guess I didn't realize exactly HOW easy we had it.

Lily was sleeping through the night by 6 weeks.  Often going 10 hour stretches by 3 months which is where Claire is.  Claire.  HA.  I consider it a good night when I only have to get up once a night with her.  I know normal is such a big range of ability and as far as normal goes I think Claire hits it a lot more than Lily.  I actually struggle a lot with Claire, because I often feel like we are doing something wrong with her that she doesn't sleep as well.  In reality I know it's just how she is, and she just needs to eat at night.  But when you know that a 3 month old is capable of sleeping 10 hour stretches.

I just have to learn to quit the comparing game and love them each for their unique selves.

On a happier note, Miss Lily got Claire to practically giggle last night.  She was squealing and stuff.  Claire sure loves her bit sister!