Anxiety

anx·i·e·ty  

/aNGˈzī-itē/

Noun A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

Synonyms worry - concern - care - uneasiness - trouble - disquiet I seriously was misinformed about this word.  This word that I think defines my life.  For some reason I adequate anxiety with Fear.  Being scared of things.  Until last night when I saw a thing on Pinterest with the actual definition of this word.  This word, that defines my life, did I realize just how wrong I was about this word.  I worry about EVERYTHING.  The dumbest things too.  Do I yell to much? Am I not firm enough? Is this where I should be in my life? I worry if other people are happy or if I say something will they be mad.  Why can't I take control of my weight? Why can't I make friends?  I at least 90% of the time am worrying about one useless thing (I probably can't control anyway) or another.  It's taking over my life, This word that I really had no idea what it meant.  No idea the role it was playing in my life.  I mean I know people that struggle with anxiety and I never would have thought to put myself in that box, until I actually read the definition.  This word that I think will forever change my life. I've often wondered about depression and yet, it just doesn't fit.  I think overall I'm a very happy person, I'm blessed with great family and friends and we don't lack for much really.  But yet, there is this ongoing sense of worry, Worrying about EVERYTHING.  Will we find a house? If we do what will we do with the house we have?  I worry about having to pack all our stuff and move it.  I worry about having to re-register lily in a new school.  I worry about the weird ants that have made a home in my house, or the fact that the children cry all the time.  I worry that I'm not a good wife, a good mother, a good enough friend.  And all of these things are not productive.  They don't help anything, especially my mind set.  I start off on these chains of things to worry about with one thing right after the next. I always thought that I didn't want to talk about this.  This awful feeling of dread.  That I always feel even when things are going well.  But maybe I should?  Maybe it's not as weird as I thought?  Maybe the way to fix it is to acknowledge that I may have a problem here and that my dependence on making people happy is all a way to appease my anxiety?  Who knows? But I plan to find out.  I plan to make some steps in the right direction with this and see what comes of it.  Learn to breath, try to break this terrible cycle of worry.  Talk to my doctor.  You can bet your butt, now that I think I know what's going on, I intend to make it better.

Fear of Success or Just Fear?

I've been wondering lately what makes me tick.  Why I start so many things and quit them.  Is it that I don't have the time or the energy it takes to do it?  I don't think so.  Is it that I am afraid of being successful?  Possibly?  Am I afraid of being a failure like I have done so many times in the past?  Most likely.

Last night Adam and I were talking about working out and stuff and the idea of a gym came up.  I went to the gym ages ago and I actually really enjoyed it (when I went that is)  I like strength training and I don't mind the elliptical.  So why when Adam gave me the go ahead to sign up am I hesitant?  I think I'm nervous that I'll start and never go, or start and go for a while and then quit.  Either way I can't seem to get myself to just relax about this and go check the place out.  I'm worried about finding the time to go and actually being consistent and going as often as I should.  I mean the VERY last thing we need to be doing is spending money on something I am afraid I won't get a use out of.

So I think I'll take a baby step and go visit the gym after work and check it out.  No harm in that, right?

Spring WAS in the air!

So the last week or two have been beautiful.  Warmer temps, melting snow, it's been great.  But in usual MN form that is about to change.  Almost all the snow was gone and now they are saying we are supposed to get 6-11 inches?  *sigh*  When will Spring get her and STAY here.  In preparation for all the messy weather to come I went for my third run last night.  I'd say I run maybe 1/2 the mile and walk the other half.  Which is a vast improvement compared to where I started with maybe running a 1/4 of it.  But now I try to run two blocks, walk two blocks etc.  After I can get myself to run the whole mile then I hope to start going a little farther each time.  This is seeming so much more doable than I imagined it would.  I'm proud of myself for going and proud of myself for pushing hard and doing it, even when I really really would rather sew or lounge on the couch.

I feel like I'm finally doing some stuff that makes me happy.  Not that being a mom and a wife doesn't make me happy cause it certainly does.  But I mean a hobby that is just for me.  Something I enjoy doing.  The same with the running.  I don't even feel bad leaving the girls and Adam at home to go and do it.  Which I know sounds really dumb and you're probably thinking, "Why would you feel bad about that?"  It's one of my quirks.  I just feel guilty about stuff even when it makes no sense.  But Adam has been really supportive of both my running and the time I spend sewing and for that I am super thankful.

It's funny, I started with the sewing kick because I couldn't find a decently priced toddler sheet set.  And I figured I can make them!  Which I totally can.  I'm hoping when I get better I can put some sets up on EBay or whatever to maybe make some money as well.  I've already made some curtains for the girls' room and I made Lily a new pillowcase that I promised her.  So for now I'm excited about all of the possibilities ahead!

A journey begins with a single step.

I went for my first Run  walk last night.  I think that sentence pretty much sums up how it went.  But I'll spell it out for you in case you didn't get it.

I left the house, it was beautiful out albeit a little wet and sloppy.  But now is not the time for excuses so I went.  I timed myself with my stopwatch on my phone.  I walked a minute or so to warm up and then I took off...with the wind in my hair I ran for a whole mile 1.5 minutes.  I felt that old familiar stabbing pain in my lungs and my side around the 45 second mark (which I am NOT proud to admit by the way)  But I pushed through it to make it to a minute and a half.  Then I walked for a few minutes then ran a bit and so on.  I tried to push myself.  I really did.  I want to be a good runner and do well.  And sure I know it was just my first run and the first step is always the hardest, But I was a little disappointed with myself and how terrible it was.  I mean proud of myself for going, but bummed out about just how out of shape I truly am.  But I made it home in 16.5 minutes.  exactly 1.09 miles. (I googled it).  So from there I can only improve right?

I plan to go again tonight!  To push myself just a little harder than last night.  I can do this.  My goal is to be able to RUN the whole mile.  Once I accomplish that then I'll start going just a little farther each time.  A manageable goal.  That's what I need!  Sorta like my food goal.  I'm happy to say that I certainly am not tracking food.  Or even limiting my quantities I guess.  But just trying to cut out as much processed junk food as I can.  Which I'm actually doing a pretty darn good job of.  So far I'm down 4.5 pounds!  And that's a great feeling!

My Revolation

Trying to make everyone happy is a great way to make sure you're not. -Jonathan Acuff

That quote pretty much seems to sum up my life.  I mean I always new that I was a people pleaser, a peace keeper if you will, but until I read that quote this morning I never thought much about how doing everything for everyone else really puts my happiness on the back burner.  I think I let my happiness depend too much on whether or not the people around me are happy.  And, well, that's just not right.  It seems in all my life roles I serve others.

Wife...I cook and clean and go out of my way to make Adam happy, even when it makes me miserable.

Mom...Of course I do anything for my girls....and they are little so for a while this is just going to have to be the way it is.

Receptionist/Administrative Assistant....DUH....the title itself should explain my role here at work.

Friend....Ok so this one I'm kinda crappy at lately.  I just can't seem to get connected to my friends these days.

Daughter...Of course I'd do anything to make my mom happy.


So what does this all mean?  What am I supposed to do now that I've realized this is a problem in my life?  How do I fix it?  Please don't tell me to buy myself something, or do something just for me as it seems those things are pretty unrealistic and for the most part I'm not talking about material possessions here.

I need to build myself up more.  To learn how to ask for help.  To stop feeling sorry for myself when I have so much to really be thankful for.  But how?  That's the question of the day.