A journey begins with a single step.

I went for my first Run  walk last night.  I think that sentence pretty much sums up how it went.  But I'll spell it out for you in case you didn't get it.

I left the house, it was beautiful out albeit a little wet and sloppy.  But now is not the time for excuses so I went.  I timed myself with my stopwatch on my phone.  I walked a minute or so to warm up and then I took off...with the wind in my hair I ran for a whole mile 1.5 minutes.  I felt that old familiar stabbing pain in my lungs and my side around the 45 second mark (which I am NOT proud to admit by the way)  But I pushed through it to make it to a minute and a half.  Then I walked for a few minutes then ran a bit and so on.  I tried to push myself.  I really did.  I want to be a good runner and do well.  And sure I know it was just my first run and the first step is always the hardest, But I was a little disappointed with myself and how terrible it was.  I mean proud of myself for going, but bummed out about just how out of shape I truly am.  But I made it home in 16.5 minutes.  exactly 1.09 miles. (I googled it).  So from there I can only improve right?

I plan to go again tonight!  To push myself just a little harder than last night.  I can do this.  My goal is to be able to RUN the whole mile.  Once I accomplish that then I'll start going just a little farther each time.  A manageable goal.  That's what I need!  Sorta like my food goal.  I'm happy to say that I certainly am not tracking food.  Or even limiting my quantities I guess.  But just trying to cut out as much processed junk food as I can.  Which I'm actually doing a pretty darn good job of.  So far I'm down 4.5 pounds!  And that's a great feeling!

Small Changes = Big changes

Why do I question my abilities so much?  Why can't I just trust myself and set my mind to something and accomplish it?  I guess my whole life I've started things or said I was going to start things and I never finish them.  Why is that I wonder?  Am I scared of succeeding?  I'm not sure, but I think it's time I find out!  Time I stick to my guns and get the job done and done right!

I have lost 3.5 pounds since my last week weigh in.  Which I totally minimized and acted like it was nothing, simply saying "well it's not a big deal cause I fluctuate in that same 4 or 5 pounds anyway"  Until a friend of mine told me that it was still an accomplishment.  Something I should be proud of.  And you know what?  She IS right.  Who cares if I fluctuate in that range?  It's still down from where I was and that IS something to be proud of. 

I have been making better choices for the most part.  Still VERY far from perfect, but I've got a good start and if I've learned anything it's that jumping into something 100% right off the bat is just not an effective way for me to make permanent changes.  But I'm actually feeling like I could do this.  Like I could accomplish my goals.  One Small Change at a Time!

Who Knew

Who knew that it would be so hard to not compare my girls?  I know I sure didn't.  But from before Claire was even born I found myself doing it.  It all started with..."Wow, it's crazy how similar my pregnancies went" and went to "Holy moly I can't believe how different this labor was than my last one".  And now everyday I find myself thinking about how different they are.  I guess I don't understand how two people that came from the same parents can be SO different.  I mean, I always knew that we had it easy with Lily but I guess I didn't realize exactly HOW easy we had it.

Lily was sleeping through the night by 6 weeks.  Often going 10 hour stretches by 3 months which is where Claire is.  Claire.  HA.  I consider it a good night when I only have to get up once a night with her.  I know normal is such a big range of ability and as far as normal goes I think Claire hits it a lot more than Lily.  I actually struggle a lot with Claire, because I often feel like we are doing something wrong with her that she doesn't sleep as well.  In reality I know it's just how she is, and she just needs to eat at night.  But when you know that a 3 month old is capable of sleeping 10 hour stretches.

I just have to learn to quit the comparing game and love them each for their unique selves.

On a happier note, Miss Lily got Claire to practically giggle last night.  She was squealing and stuff.  Claire sure loves her bit sister! 

As promised....

As promised!  Here are some 3 month photos of Miss Claire!

Here it is....For Everyone to see.

My Starting Picture.  *sigh*  Sadly I had a not so flattering picture taken of me this weekend and had a little breakdown.  The picture was similar to this one:

This is probably the single least flattering picture of myself I have ever seen.

So that brings me to my point.  After having a mini breakdown about it all and surprisingly not drowning myself in chocolate, I seriously contemplated starving myself...Obviously I know better than that.  But I do need to take control.  So here it is.  Laid out for you.

Starting weight is 184.5.  Goal is 140.  So -44.5 pounds is my ultimate goal.  I'll give myself until December 2nd to lose it all.  That's just under 40 weeks, and happens to fall on Claire's birthday.  Totally manageable at just a smidgen over a pound a week.

Time to get serious.  My Reward at the end will be some really really nice family pictures!  Where I don't have to chose a photographer just based on price alone.

So here we go.  Which me luck cause lord knows I'll need it.



3 Months?!

My 3 month old.....

.....thinks her hands are the single most interesting thing in the universe.

.....Adores her big sister

......has eaten oatmeal a few times....and liked it

......Still gets up at least once a night to eat

......smiles a lot and most of the times seems like a pretty happy baby.

......loves her mommy and being held by her mommy.

......has an incredibly flat head.

.......has had thrush three separate times.

........had her first official cold (thankfully it was pretty short lived)

.......loves to sit upright and has pretty good head control.

......weighs 10 pounds, 10 ounces which puts her at about 15th percentile....right about where Lily was at her age.

.....thinks it's pretty funny when you blow raspberries at her.

.....always always wants to be a part of the action

Pictures to come soon.

Just plain Defeated.

Sometimes I feel so defeated.  Like today.  After eating a slice of cake a coworker brought in for me, I vowed (like I do everyday) to stop eating the junk he brings me.  I have asked him not to bring it and he still does.  Today I came up with a good plan to just simply take what he has given me and put it back on his desk until he takes the hint.  I was happy and confident with this decision as I am so tired of my lack of self control and it's become evident that I can't have the temptation in front of me.  So here I am, eating my healthy lunch and coming up with this plan of how to make a permanent change.  How to fix the problem I have and then my co-workers come back from a lunch with a vendor and hand me a whole package of girl scout cookies.  Head...meet wall.  I said no thank you and that they could keep them and they told me no, they were for me.  You see I am a sweets kinda girl.  Even if it's something I don't really like I just have to eat it if it's front of me.  Not to mention just READING the description on the package of cookies "crunchy fudge-coated treats" is enough to make me want to eat the whole package.

I'm so sick of the mind games I play with myself.  I'm sick of starting and quitting.  I'm sick of feeling gross and uncomfortable in my skin and yet here I sit.  Writing this post, seriously considering eating one of those cookies....which I am positive will lead me to eat more.

People say you can't be an all or nothing kind of person.  Studies show that depriving yourself is not the answer...But what do you do when you want to eat in moderation and make healthy choices and you just can't?  How do I fix this?  I just feel so broken today.