I seriously was misinformed about this word. This word that I think defines my life. For some reason I adequate anxiety with Fear. Being scared of things. Until last night when I saw a thing on Pinterest with the actual definition of this word. This word, that defines my life, did I realize just how wrong I was about this word. I worry about EVERYTHING. The dumbest things too. Do I yell to much? Am I not firm enough? Is this where I should be in my life? I worry if other people are happy or if I say something will they be mad. Why can't I take control of my weight? Why can't I make friends? I at least 90% of the time am worrying about one useless thing (I probably can't control anyway) or another. It's taking over my life, This word that I really had no idea what it meant. No idea the role it was playing in my life. I mean I know people that struggle with anxiety and I never would have thought to put myself in that box, until I actually read the definition. This word that I think will forever change my life.
I've often wondered about depression and yet, it just doesn't fit. I think overall I'm a very happy person, I'm blessed with great family and friends and we don't lack for much really. But yet, there is this ongoing sense of worry, Worrying about EVERYTHING. Will we find a house? If we do what will we do with the house we have? I worry about having to pack all our stuff and move it. I worry about having to re-register lily in a new school. I worry about the weird ants that have made a home in my house, or the fact that the children cry all the time. I worry that I'm not a good wife, a good mother, a good enough friend. And all of these things are not productive. They don't help anything, especially my mind set. I start off on these chains of things to worry about with one thing right after the next.
I always thought that I didn't want to talk about this. This awful feeling of dread. That I always feel even when things are going well. But maybe I should? Maybe it's not as weird as I thought? Maybe the way to fix it is to acknowledge that I may have a problem here and that my dependence on making people happy is all a way to appease my anxiety? Who knows? But I plan to find out. I plan to make some steps in the right direction with this and see what comes of it. Learn to breath, try to break this terrible cycle of worry. Talk to my doctor. You can bet your butt, now that I think I know what's going on, I intend to make it better.