Fear of Success or Just Fear?

I've been wondering lately what makes me tick.  Why I start so many things and quit them.  Is it that I don't have the time or the energy it takes to do it?  I don't think so.  Is it that I am afraid of being successful?  Possibly?  Am I afraid of being a failure like I have done so many times in the past?  Most likely.

Last night Adam and I were talking about working out and stuff and the idea of a gym came up.  I went to the gym ages ago and I actually really enjoyed it (when I went that is)  I like strength training and I don't mind the elliptical.  So why when Adam gave me the go ahead to sign up am I hesitant?  I think I'm nervous that I'll start and never go, or start and go for a while and then quit.  Either way I can't seem to get myself to just relax about this and go check the place out.  I'm worried about finding the time to go and actually being consistent and going as often as I should.  I mean the VERY last thing we need to be doing is spending money on something I am afraid I won't get a use out of.

So I think I'll take a baby step and go visit the gym after work and check it out.  No harm in that, right?

Spring WAS in the air!

So the last week or two have been beautiful.  Warmer temps, melting snow, it's been great.  But in usual MN form that is about to change.  Almost all the snow was gone and now they are saying we are supposed to get 6-11 inches?  *sigh*  When will Spring get her and STAY here.  In preparation for all the messy weather to come I went for my third run last night.  I'd say I run maybe 1/2 the mile and walk the other half.  Which is a vast improvement compared to where I started with maybe running a 1/4 of it.  But now I try to run two blocks, walk two blocks etc.  After I can get myself to run the whole mile then I hope to start going a little farther each time.  This is seeming so much more doable than I imagined it would.  I'm proud of myself for going and proud of myself for pushing hard and doing it, even when I really really would rather sew or lounge on the couch.

I feel like I'm finally doing some stuff that makes me happy.  Not that being a mom and a wife doesn't make me happy cause it certainly does.  But I mean a hobby that is just for me.  Something I enjoy doing.  The same with the running.  I don't even feel bad leaving the girls and Adam at home to go and do it.  Which I know sounds really dumb and you're probably thinking, "Why would you feel bad about that?"  It's one of my quirks.  I just feel guilty about stuff even when it makes no sense.  But Adam has been really supportive of both my running and the time I spend sewing and for that I am super thankful.

It's funny, I started with the sewing kick because I couldn't find a decently priced toddler sheet set.  And I figured I can make them!  Which I totally can.  I'm hoping when I get better I can put some sets up on EBay or whatever to maybe make some money as well.  I've already made some curtains for the girls' room and I made Lily a new pillowcase that I promised her.  So for now I'm excited about all of the possibilities ahead!

A journey begins with a single step.

I went for my first Run  walk last night.  I think that sentence pretty much sums up how it went.  But I'll spell it out for you in case you didn't get it.

I left the house, it was beautiful out albeit a little wet and sloppy.  But now is not the time for excuses so I went.  I timed myself with my stopwatch on my phone.  I walked a minute or so to warm up and then I took off...with the wind in my hair I ran for a whole mile 1.5 minutes.  I felt that old familiar stabbing pain in my lungs and my side around the 45 second mark (which I am NOT proud to admit by the way)  But I pushed through it to make it to a minute and a half.  Then I walked for a few minutes then ran a bit and so on.  I tried to push myself.  I really did.  I want to be a good runner and do well.  And sure I know it was just my first run and the first step is always the hardest, But I was a little disappointed with myself and how terrible it was.  I mean proud of myself for going, but bummed out about just how out of shape I truly am.  But I made it home in 16.5 minutes.  exactly 1.09 miles. (I googled it).  So from there I can only improve right?

I plan to go again tonight!  To push myself just a little harder than last night.  I can do this.  My goal is to be able to RUN the whole mile.  Once I accomplish that then I'll start going just a little farther each time.  A manageable goal.  That's what I need!  Sorta like my food goal.  I'm happy to say that I certainly am not tracking food.  Or even limiting my quantities I guess.  But just trying to cut out as much processed junk food as I can.  Which I'm actually doing a pretty darn good job of.  So far I'm down 4.5 pounds!  And that's a great feeling!

Just plain Defeated.

Sometimes I feel so defeated.  Like today.  After eating a slice of cake a coworker brought in for me, I vowed (like I do everyday) to stop eating the junk he brings me.  I have asked him not to bring it and he still does.  Today I came up with a good plan to just simply take what he has given me and put it back on his desk until he takes the hint.  I was happy and confident with this decision as I am so tired of my lack of self control and it's become evident that I can't have the temptation in front of me.  So here I am, eating my healthy lunch and coming up with this plan of how to make a permanent change.  How to fix the problem I have and then my co-workers come back from a lunch with a vendor and hand me a whole package of girl scout cookies.  Head...meet wall.  I said no thank you and that they could keep them and they told me no, they were for me.  You see I am a sweets kinda girl.  Even if it's something I don't really like I just have to eat it if it's front of me.  Not to mention just READING the description on the package of cookies "crunchy fudge-coated treats" is enough to make me want to eat the whole package.

I'm so sick of the mind games I play with myself.  I'm sick of starting and quitting.  I'm sick of feeling gross and uncomfortable in my skin and yet here I sit.  Writing this post, seriously considering eating one of those cookies....which I am positive will lead me to eat more.

People say you can't be an all or nothing kind of person.  Studies show that depriving yourself is not the answer...But what do you do when you want to eat in moderation and make healthy choices and you just can't?  How do I fix this?  I just feel so broken today.