Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Why is it so hard?

To be healthy? To live healthy? To find time to exercise? To eat right? I don't understand how people can say it is and how once you are in the habit of doing it, it becomes easy and some say even enjoyable. I can't seem to get to that point. Heck I can't even make it a whole week of making the right choices and getting some activity in. Truth be told. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and failing. I'm tired from work and want to sit on my butt and do nothing but eat potato chips and eat cake. The little time I DO get with Lily I want to spend it ALL with her. I don't want to take 30-60 minutes of that precious time to workout if I can't include her somehow. When all is said and done, Monday thru Friday I am lucky if I get to see her for 5 waking hours a day. 5 FREAKING HOURS A DAY. Heck my In-Laws get to see her for like 9.5-10 hours a day (not including naps, that she isn't spectacular about anyway) So those precious 5 hours I get I want to have. And I want to be with her, playing with her watching her grow.

And truth be told, being healthy and working out are SO low on my priority list that all I end up doing is beating myself up for not being able to stick with anything or even make a simple choice like whether to have cake or fruit. It's not fair. Life's not fair. And it makes me sad. Sad that my IL's see my baby more than I do. Sad that I can't seem to get control of my weight and my habits.

I WANT to be healthy.
I WANT to weigh less.
I WANT to look and feel great in my skin.
And most importantly...
I WANT to spend MORE time with the baby.

People tell me the grass is always greener on the other side. That I would get sick of being with her. But what's the alternative? I get to see her far less than anyone who would babysit. Be it daycare or my In laws. That I'll probably miss her first steps, her first words and all of that because I have to work.

I know I know. Pity Party, table for 1 please.

Lest we forget, I do feel blessed. I AM a lucky person.

I do have a wonderful husband. A beautiful Baby girl. Wonderful Family that happily watches her for us so we don't HAVE to put her in daycare right now.

I'm just struggling right now. BIG TIME. And I don't know what to do.

No comments:

Post a Comment